There's no arguing with those who have seen the end of their world. You can try; you can keep living the way you have since you saw the end of yours. But any attempt to change their black and white mind will be met with a firm iron fist. So how do we approach those we see potential in? When all hope is lost, when your own personal strength and faith in love is at an all time low, when the search for the right affection becomes a challenge even when you think you're correct. It doesn't matter what I do at this point, the actions of my friends and the men before them have tainted all reasonable perception of who I am. I don't blame those perspectives; their world is just as hellish as mine if not more so.

I feel much safer in my stronghold of solitude but the years make me weary. How do I let others see over these walls, if I let them completely down I'm afraid of the consequences my past has shown me. I long for the day when I can hop out into the open, exposed and not be greeted by some steely gates. But instead; some other worried traveler brave enough to leave their castle and all it's preconceptions.

I guess though that carrying on inside the hollowed halls of Fort Joey is best for now. I can ensure all my decisions and actions are based on my feelings alone and not to appease someone else's wants. Still, being single fucking sucks.

I came into a conversation the other night with some friends regarding sex that has me somewhat perplexed. They were going on and on about the number of girls they've bedded. A conversation I would rather not have in their company because they make me feel as though I ought to be embarrassed for being nearly celibate. They asked me why I don't "go for girls" at the bar, a feat that would be simple enough for me to "get what I want" (in their terms). My response to them, to avoid further embarrassment was "I can't talk to girls." (This was somewhat of a lie.) The truth is I had been listening to their stories all night and was slightly horrified at the manner which they treated these women. It wasn't abusive but had any of these girls been looking for something more then a one night stand I believe they would be seriously disappointed in men for the rest of their lives. But I guess that is the key "if" phrase.

I guess I should explain why I don't go for the girls at the bar. I fear exactly that which my friends so boldly take advantage of. The one night stand. I'm not looking for anything like that, I can easily access pornography when I need that kind of release. I don't enjoy sex without emotional attachment. There is no reason for me to be interested after the act, and during my mind races around for something to attach itself to. Something that is even less enjoyable for the female I'm sure because instead of being present I am somewhere far in my past trying to remember the last person that made me feel love. It is that memory that stops me from wanting to fuck everything that walks. I've moved on but that doesn't mean I've changed, doesn't mean I've given up on myself.

Perhaps I am an idiot to think that anyone wants what I want. But at least I'm an idiot who isn't ashamed of himself. Embarrassed from others occasionally, and scared; but not a full fledged coward. If I'm expected to take a leap of faith I hope that when I do I am met mid air, because I really don't think I could survive another solo free fall.

"I can only assume that I don't interest you from your nonchalant criticisms of the man."

Without mutual engagement, what's the point?