I've decided after reading through several days of posting that this has become somewhat of a diary and that is really not what I intended with this blog... as such I will henceforth only use this medium for the powers of good sharing only writing deemed fit for readers seeking entertainment, enlightenment or a quick "ah I see what you did there." I'll rant and vent to my friends in private like a normal person. I apologize to anyone who actually reads this shit. I promise to stop being lazy and actually think about things to write. So instead of skimming the top off of my thoughts and giving you the sleazy foam, I'll dig deeper and try to give you the rich creative crap that gives me a greater sense of accomplishment.

On a final side note to anyone who may stumble across this page, please feel free to judge me however you please. But know that much of the content is not anything I meant to share with people on a writer to reader basis. Its mostly ramblings about dumb stuff that I was struggling to understand at the time. Many conclusions have since expired or changed. Looking back through it for me is interesting because I get a sense of what parts of me have changed and what has stayed constant but that's only because I know the back story behind it all. I'm debating now taking this site down or making it private so only I can view it, however there is still the odd time I write something that I'd like to share with a friend... maybe a password? I don't know if that's a dick move to people who casually check this. I'll look into that tomorrow though. BAAAAA, blasted post has gotten away from me again and turned itself into another futile adolescentesque day journal.

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Sleep calls from inside my skull. "The dream is coming. Hurry, HURRY!" I crash my face against the the cotton pillow case. But my heart races and I know I won't catch this dream. I never do, instead I sit there in the night waiting. The empty avenue of my ceiling shows no sign of another escape, not now.

I settle in closing my eyes; preparing to wait peacefully for sleeps next call. But alas; the ever invasive consciousness notices that I am still in fact awake - despite my clever disguise - he makes his way to my shoulder and breathes in my ear. "I know you're faking."

"Just go away man, I already told you all that I know." He is well aware that I don't take kindly to his speculations, but since I can cause him no physical harm, he proceeds with his harassment.

"What? Why? How?"

I keep my eyes shut and hold my breathe hoping he'll think I'm dead.

"What? Why? How? Tell me and I'll put in a good word with the dream loaders for you."

There's no use pretending to be dead. He can always tell. He begins feeling around my brain for swells and suspicious activity. "Well what have we here? Seems you've been thinking about sex quite a bit, but that's nothing new. You're only human after all... I can help you - you know... If you'll let me." He smirks and pulls a bulbous gland of my cerebral cortex out of place and jiggles it around maniacally.

Images shoot through my head, the unruly self aware consciousness puppeteers memory into pornographic dances of light and shadow on the backs of my eyelids.

I continue trying to conceal the secret that I had discovered before missing my dream. But his prying hands tear a hole in my fleshy mind and a fog rolls out.

"Uh oh." He says, dropping the sagging piece of brain he was pulling on. "What's all this then? Confusion. Misunderstanding... Ah but it get's clearer."

"Back off man." I pull myself back into his realm. "These are my thoughts and I will decide what is to be done with them."

But he grins, peering deeper into the mist. "Oh yes of course, but you see I've already figured it out... You're a pussy! That's why you will never be desired." He cackles, his final words ring in my head. Before vanishing he jumps from my shoulder and stomps my stomach.

I stare up at the bare ridges along my ceiling. Far off but still somehow still in my head I hear ringing. It's him. He's letting me know that he's won again and that he'll be back. A dream rolls up to the station, the conductor looks familiar but cold. I reluctantly get on and fall asleep.