It all started unravelling; his quietness, the reservation of his hands, his fear of coming off rude, the year without sex, the year of "No woman, no cry." He had wanted to scream his lungs out every one of the last 365 days, but only now for the first time did he choose to shout. He lets out a whoop that rings in the ears of innocent bystanders. For a second he catches himself giving an apologetic fuck, but the alcohol thins his blood and that feeling passes. He is now "Kit," master of the universe and possessor of the ring of fate. His eyes roll back as he closes his lids and what ever was left of his former self is devoured by the songs of his childhood. He dances viciously, as if the whole world were finally his.

tick... tick...

I really need to get out and do something, meet people. I need people I can talk to throughout the week, share ideas with and stuff. I'm so lost in my head that when I finally do try and break the shell, my guts spill out in an ambiguous heap that no one can understand.
I think I'm getting worse at reading signs (if that's even possible.) I'm seeing "stop" everywhere I go but I can't tell if the sign's for me or for some other wayward traveler. Is it helpful to wear your self so openly? or does it create confusion? I wish I could for once get into a straight up conversation with out feeling awkward and backing out. I have these ideas man, I don't even understand sometimes. I know you probably just think I'm high, and you're probably right on occasion. But I spend far more time thinking sober than the times after smoking. I smoke to stop stressing, not to figure shit out. It's nice how everything works out though, proper like it fits together right after I get lit. But those connections I make are just observations, I'd rather walk a mile then talk for pity masturbation. Nothing beneficial comes from hating your past, or your self. Own that shit, we all have rough times kid. It makes you stronger and more resilient. That's what's good about pain, cause the longer time goes the higher the stake in our lives towers. Like a teetering obelisk. It's the stones at our base that hold us up and the troubles we face now will be our saving grace when we finally are old. Don't count on dying young, you're probably going to have a long and beautiful life. What you can't get done now will get done in time. because what else do we really have besides our life force and the time it's good for.

So there it is, motivation for myself because I'm not talking to anybody else.

Bzzzz.... Bzzzzz.... A false anxiety is piled on briefly before it is swept out to sea; along with all grief and hardship built up on his shores. The tide of joy from a single word then erases all doubts from the shallows of his mind. Night.

I've given myself too many choices that I want equally, and none can wait. I've gone as far as I can without making a final decision. What ever I do now will be taking a chance. Can I count on the people I care about to be receptive to my decisions? This is the major question I have yet to answer. It's scary to think that the only way I'll find out is if I try and choose a direction. Do I go right, left or forward? Do I follow my gut, my ambition or my heart; when all three pull different ways? I'm stuck in a triangular vice and I'm being drawn in thirds from the inside out. Slowly I've been ripping, constantly focused on trying to heal over all that gets torn from my indecisive behaviour. I'm realizing that I can't have everything, at least not yet. But what part of my future is strong enough to be abandoned? What do I want and who is the "I" that is always wanting?
Do I want to stay for my family? Or is it just because this is where I feel safe, even when I'm unhappy?
Do I want to take my art around the world? Or is that nagging voice in my head right and I really don't have what it takes?
Do I take the biggest risk of all? Or am I just looking for a way out of here?

you can relax and I will have a time
you can relax, you know we've still got time.

making breakfast from scratch, my own recipe.

Sweet and Spicy Rancheros

In the salsa I used:
Red Pepper
Cherry Tomatoes
Onion
Blueberries
Sun balm
lemon juice

heat it up in a pan

crack some eggs on that shit

wait a bit

chuck on some fine sliced salami

wait a bit

throw on some avocado assiogeo dip

wait a bit

serve on toast or a pita if you got it.