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For some reason I keep imagining not getting enough money to go to school and all of my plans failing. My parents, disappointed abandon me. The job not working out and me getting totally fucked over. I'm glad I have some friends and family out west otherwise these thoughts would scare me more. But I'm gaining my confidence and I have a feeling as soon as we pass Toronto all worry will be wiped from my mind.

I found a roommate and a room in a basement suite. Near the Skytrain and not too far from down town. I'm excited to explore my new city when I get there.

Nearly done all my packing and cleaning. I'm shaking.

You'd think that I'd have better things to do before I leave monday besides eating up my time devouring the internet. I truly am an informivore. I survive on coffee, blogs and cigarettes. I am terrified.

Finally decided to man up and make the decision to go out west on my own... (well I'll be traveling across with a friend) But no more waiting for things to all fall into place. I've got the rough of it sorted out now I just have to find an apartment/roommate, convince the manager at a hotel that I'm the best and he should just hire me without meeting me so I know I have a job and start working on figuring out how I'm paying for school.

I hope this means that I'm starting to get my confidence back, it really sucks being so unsure of everything. Gone are the days when I could do and say anything without questioning myself, instead I spend much of my time apologizing for things I needn't feel sorry for.

One day, or maybe for just like twenty seconds I will have the courage I used to have. I'll be able to say and do all the things I've ever wanted to and I will feel truly happy.

Got an interview in Vancouver as soon as I get there for full time AM bellman, driving across the first week in february. so pumped. Now if I could only start to figure out my financial situation and come up with a reasonable start date for school.

If I ever grow up I want to live like this. www.retronaut.co/2012/01/living-with-a-lion-1970s/

I know I complained a lot about living with my mom, but it's going to be weird to live in that house completely alone. Not really looking forward to it, want to just go to BC now. Looking for people to talk to that graduated from the program i'm aiming for but I don't know, even if I find out it's exactly what I think it is my dad is pretty resistant to this decision. I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate his help but it's fairly discouraging when you finally see something that you could throw yourself into 100% and you don't get the support you were hoping for. This program is literally the only place I am going to learn all the skills I will need for my career in a year. The only school that people motivated to hire from bigger studios come to for new recruits. The facilities are beyond what I could hope for and the work that I've seen come out of there, it's no wonder people get hired.

Maybe I'm completely wrong though, is this the worlds way of telling me I don't have the ear or the talent necessary to make a name for myself? I've spent this past year being fairly hard on myself for not really knowing what I want, then when I finally do figure out a direction to head in I am met with just as much resistance. I guess this is just life though, I would like to perceiver.

Dear gut, I will follow you anywhere. I just hope I can trust you this time to listen to the brain sometimes and make decisions that won't leave this body broken in shame.

Why am I feeling so shitty? Trying to push up the positive but the limit to my loneliness has finally overcome my will power. Why am I writing this? I have no fucking clue, maybe because I have no one I feel I can really talk to. Sure there are people who are there for me and are always willing to lend an ear and some words of encouragement. But there is no one I can really connect with to help understand how I'm really feeling. I am disconnected from everyone. It's selfish I know; to think that I'm the only one who thinks like this. I'm envious of pets, they don't give a fuck about the subtleties that send me spinning into a pointless depression as I try to rationalize my future. Sorry if you read all of this, it has no meaning for you I just need to write it out for me. Check back another day for some writing with substance.

Going to miss this.

You got here too late for me to see

I had another choice;

a friend who understands supreme happiness,

and you have all that it takes to make me smile.

I'll let you know that it's been a while,

since I've had to choose

between what I want to keep and can't afford to lose.

You are so much better than I could hope for.

But I've already made my plans

so I'm afraid to hold your hand

I can't lead you on, besides you're far too good for me.

I'm a wretch that can't get his voice out

in situations where I really need to be heard.

You have my word;

if I'm what you want, I'll wait until

the sentence stuck in my throat begins to clear.

I could never be so cruel

as to lie, or be the the type of asshole

to get inside your bed and leave you frozen to your sheets

so I'll hide away, and ride the mining cart into the friend zone

like I have every time I've stood waiting in this line before.

The part that makes this hardest

is that I'm sure I'm not the only one

drowning in their thoughts

as we stare across the table

hoping one of us is able to build a lifeboat

out of weed and all this paper we have left

from all the notes we never sent.