Y You No Get New Years Kiss Ever?

Another show tonight finally. Jammed all day with griff to get a set down. gunna be a little rusty but what ever.

Spent the day with the family all together. It's really become quite the clan. I'm feeling extra joyful and playful with the little ones running around. Finally in bed, I was so stuffed from dinner but my vaporizer just reignited my appetite. I'm debating going for a midnight munch out... I'm leaning more towards no because I should really get to sleep. (Must go to work in 10 and I really want to get up for christmas morning with Yuri.) Tomorrows breakfast will have to satisfy this hunger.

Kinda feeling making a short christmas story though.

"Shit. Santa!" Peter starts up from the couch, panicked. "Wake up man, what day is it?" He rubs his eyes and paces long strides to the only window in the room. Moving smokey curtains, he peers out into the darkness. Peters gangly arms shoot up and crash into the low ceiling.

"Fuck man! It's totally Christmas. Wake up!"

"W-Whaa?" The fat man slowly rolls over a bag of chips, popping the bag and sending chips flying over his bed. Sprawled and yawning; Santa opens his bloodshot eyes. "I think I might still be high man. That was some good sh..."

"Did you hear what I said? It's fucking Christmas, you're going to be late." Peter rushes to pull Santa out of bed.

"What the hell Peter? Christmas isn't for another... What day is it?" Santa asks, puzzled.

"Christmas! Shit man, I'm sorry I messed up. I shouldn't have let you smoke my purples."

"I slept for three days? What?! How is that even..."

"It's possible, but..." Peter struggles to push Santa into a sitting position. "Come on man, help me out. You need to get going or I'm going to get in so much shit from Ma."

"Ma doesn't know I'm here man, don't sweat." Santa grins and pulls on his velveteen red coat. "I've been doing this for a long time bro, I think I can handle being a little late."

"Dude it's like 4am, kids will be running downstairs in like two hours."

"So I do still have time, fuck man you had me worried for a second. Gimme twenty minutes, we'll burn another bowl and then I'll get going." Santa pulls a bong from a sack on the floor.

"Don't you have a lot of deliveries tonight? How long does it usually take you?"

"Not as long as everyone thinks. Perks of being magic, the job basically does itself now."

I don't feel like this story is really going anywhere and I'm fairly tired, so merry christmas! Sorry for the excessive silly language.

Getting festive, finishing christmas prep a day early.

There's no arguing with those who have seen the end of their world. You can try; you can keep living the way you have since you saw the end of yours. But any attempt to change their black and white mind will be met with a firm iron fist. So how do we approach those we see potential in? When all hope is lost, when your own personal strength and faith in love is at an all time low, when the search for the right affection becomes a challenge even when you think you're correct. It doesn't matter what I do at this point, the actions of my friends and the men before them have tainted all reasonable perception of who I am. I don't blame those perspectives; their world is just as hellish as mine if not more so.

I feel much safer in my stronghold of solitude but the years make me weary. How do I let others see over these walls, if I let them completely down I'm afraid of the consequences my past has shown me. I long for the day when I can hop out into the open, exposed and not be greeted by some steely gates. But instead; some other worried traveler brave enough to leave their castle and all it's preconceptions.

I guess though that carrying on inside the hollowed halls of Fort Joey is best for now. I can ensure all my decisions and actions are based on my feelings alone and not to appease someone else's wants. Still, being single fucking sucks.

I came into a conversation the other night with some friends regarding sex that has me somewhat perplexed. They were going on and on about the number of girls they've bedded. A conversation I would rather not have in their company because they make me feel as though I ought to be embarrassed for being nearly celibate. They asked me why I don't "go for girls" at the bar, a feat that would be simple enough for me to "get what I want" (in their terms). My response to them, to avoid further embarrassment was "I can't talk to girls." (This was somewhat of a lie.) The truth is I had been listening to their stories all night and was slightly horrified at the manner which they treated these women. It wasn't abusive but had any of these girls been looking for something more then a one night stand I believe they would be seriously disappointed in men for the rest of their lives. But I guess that is the key "if" phrase.

I guess I should explain why I don't go for the girls at the bar. I fear exactly that which my friends so boldly take advantage of. The one night stand. I'm not looking for anything like that, I can easily access pornography when I need that kind of release. I don't enjoy sex without emotional attachment. There is no reason for me to be interested after the act, and during my mind races around for something to attach itself to. Something that is even less enjoyable for the female I'm sure because instead of being present I am somewhere far in my past trying to remember the last person that made me feel love. It is that memory that stops me from wanting to fuck everything that walks. I've moved on but that doesn't mean I've changed, doesn't mean I've given up on myself.

Perhaps I am an idiot to think that anyone wants what I want. But at least I'm an idiot who isn't ashamed of himself. Embarrassed from others occasionally, and scared; but not a full fledged coward. If I'm expected to take a leap of faith I hope that when I do I am met mid air, because I really don't think I could survive another solo free fall.

"I can only assume that I don't interest you from your nonchalant criticisms of the man."

Without mutual engagement, what's the point?

Have too much time to think by myself. So much that I'd like to talk about but no way to organize it. One day someone will stumble into a conversation with me about some of this stuff and I will feel some validation... Until then though, I'll just keep racing around up there.

Looks like I won't be getting tips this holiday. fuck.

really hope i can get time off over holidays to mingle with siblings.

Just sit close to me
close as close gets
and let me warm up to the occasion.
It's been a while since anyones graced my side,
I won't lie, I have no grasp of my intentions.
If you hold my hand I'll open up
but please don't ask me to speak my mind.
We could share stories of the scars left by love,
but why bring up despair?
I've learned all I can from holding on
and only just learned how to let it go.
So sit close to me and let the heat build like flame to a coal.

I would like to let my heart take over but my gut and brain team up and hold it back from its reckless intent. The inner struggle terrifies me with the decisions it could bring and the opportunities it may cause me to miss. But my heart will always win this fight; it's just a matter of time. It has been wrong time and time again, growing tiresome and repetitive.

No part of me wants what others seem to be content with. I will not settle for a night and a memory. What would be the point? I know that there are people that works with, most people it would seem. But my past has seen what comes from my persistence and it was worth the world while it lasted. An investment of love that I now blindly hold without a place to put it; my hands frozen cold and my tongue clasped firmly onto unspoken words.

black long haired joey did so many more fun things then blond short haired joey


Long sleeves on,
it's time to start livin'
I'm out the door
and i'm starting to shiver
in the dark
for the sun hasn't risen
and it get's harder
knowing the pay isn't worth my time
there's no way that it's worth my time

There are people
who will take a cut
to pay for all
your freedoms, but
in return
your rights are given up
they hush your voice
and act like nothings wrong
they act like nothings wrong

The blatancy
that we have seen
all their crimes against humanity
but they wear there faces stern
and disregard the voice of the world
as it scream, as it scream
as we scream at them to stop

each of us is a human being
with a mind, a heart and a family
if you had a shred of honour left
you'd see that and maybe hold your breath
and let the opinions of the future be spoken
to shake up the planet until it has woken
we can't leave this place
in the mess that it is in
oh what a mess that it is in

I would really like to go to Holland soon, for a couple years maybe. I have my european passport which would make it a little easier. I've been looking at some schools for Audio engineering there that look really good. Spending that much time there I'd likely pick up the language and overall I think it would be a fantastic adventure and rewarding educationally.

http://amsterdam.sae.edu/en-gb/course_category/941/Audio_Engineering
http://www.sae.edu/en-us/course/1840/Audio_Engineering

I'd also like to do a long bike trip from amsterdam to Morocco

Indonesia, I've been looking at for just a bit this morning and I would really only go there to learn the language and social issues, in addition I'd really like to get good at surfing so a school near a good destination for that would be prime.

http://www.ui.ac.id/en/academic/page/bipa-programs The coast isn't too too far

made my own version of sweet potato fries, no recipe cause i'm know what i like. pretty tasty i must say. full of flavour.

put some coconut oil on low in a wok, get a lid to put ontop of that shit.

1 whole sweet potato
- take the skin off that shit. through the skin out (yuk)
- cut that shit into thin fries. not slices, not wedges (unless they are thin and not wide anywhere.)
- throw it in the mix and do some cool frying pan moves.

1 whole roasted red peppers
- slice that shit. It might be a bit messy on your cutting board, what ever though, just make short skinny slices
- throw it in the mix and do some more wok tricks, get that oil all over the place.

onion
- fry ain't nothin unless theres some onion in that shit. I'm gunna keep saying "that shit" because it makes me sound like a bad ass chef (like a ghetto gordan ramsay.) it also makes me laugh a little.

half a lime
-squeeze it bitch, in the pan stupid!

dijon marinade
- lather it up man

bbq sauce
- we're getting crazy now

mysterious sliced nuts in the tupperware container.
- why not? in the mix

beer
-is that an open bottle of coffee porter? I like coffee! and I'm a porter! In you go!

hot sauce
- duuuuh!

salsa...
- nope, get the fuck out of here salsa. not in this dish.

thyme
- sure

salt and pepper
- no comment, just smart.

takes a while to get the potato to the right tenderness. a lid is definitely necessary...


continued from last post.

_Acting for film and television_

He has been acting in plays and such since he was young, although it has been a little while since the last show he was involved with...

ok I'm tired of this third person business.

soo, it has been a few years now since i took on a role on stage. I acted in some school projects but nothing notable for film and television. But it really does interest me and I would like to learn and train myself to really get into character. I am awestruck by some peoples ability to completely become someone else in cinema and I think it would be something I would really enjoy even if it is rarely a paying career. Unless I somehow got a job on a TV show. Man I can't explain how excited that would make me. The only down side is when I'm not performing I am incredibly shy. This may be a pipe dream.

VFS has a one year intro course and one year intensive program.

There are advisors on all of these websites, I feel I should talk to them but I also think I need some more time to narrow my wants.

next to start researching (DO THIS MONDAY FOOL!)

- Schools in Holland for sound design/engineering. also google maps a cool bike trip from Amsterdam to Morocco.
- Art schools (preferably by the coast) in indonesia.
- REMEMBER YOUR PASSPORT ISN'T GOING TO RENEW ITSELF!!!

Time to get productive on future plan making. I've been putting it off because I keep thinking of other things I'm interested in and I keep telling myself I don't know enough about my ideas to actually follow through on any of it. So without much more introduction; here is inside my head right now (in 3rd person because I'm a straight up asshole) matched up with some links for future development of the plans.

So the main idea begins in a little town called Vancouver. The young man has returned to the west, this time on his own. He's on a quest for education (related to film/television), life experiences, friendships, romance, music, a job and the general sensation of well-being/fulfilment. He has many options; and none are in any particular order other then the order they are written in below.

-Writing for film and television

He likes this idea because he does fancy himself a writer from time to time. He has always been an "ideas man." Perhaps all his hypothesizing is what made him so indecisive, but we digress. As a student in a pure writing class he would likely have fairly long nights. (all-nighters more likely mr. procrastinate) He would enjoy his homework, even when he tells everyone he would rather kill himself then write another paper. Narratives and scriptwriting are fun. Inspired creative writing gives him a joy that nearly nothing else compares to. A job is still possible but likely not one with many hours as he expects his workload to be somewhat time consuming. Post education, having a job in a writing room for a TV show would be fab, or even writing his own web/TV series or working freelance.

http://www.vfs.com/programs/writing

-Sound for Film

Four years ago he once imagined himself as a foley artist. He was very pleased with this concept for a future version of himself but ended up taking a different broader direction. The work still interests him though and he spends many a night dreaming of standing in a studio with a pair of coconuts and a huge moving picture of a horse, making the clip clap of the horses hooves into a very expensive microphone. This program also offers a chance at a career in different areas of media (not just film).

http://www.vfs.com/programs/sound-design
http://www.artinstitutes.edu/vancouver/media-arts/professional-audio-visual-d-216712.aspx

-Documentary Film Making

Ah the life of a documentarian. Travel, constant learning, endless stories, interesting people, inspired discussions... This is truly his dream job so it makes sense that he should want to train himself in the art of making documentary films. He wonders though if he would be any good at it.

http://www.capilanofilm.ca/ (have to go through a link, under programs)

OK, my laziness has already gotten the best of me. I have the attention span of a... I don't know, I don't really have an attention span. A NOODLE!

www.kcrworks.com/portfolio/sketch/ some really cool things

I was hoping to go out tonight because I've wasted all my other nights off doing jack all. So I drove to Carlisle and had dinner with a friend and came back because I thought maybe I'd go to the bar and try to meet people by myself seeing as everyone else is busy and have normal monday nights. But I'm home now and I really don't feel like trying to make conversation with people who will probably just think I'm weird and avoid me. When did I get so fucking awkward? I know I've always been a little bad with my shyness stopping me from making sense, but I used to do things atleast. I did way more shows, did activities like skating and dances. Why can't I be care free like I was. Why should I care what people think to the point that I'm afraid to be myself around them. Why did I move to a new city if I'm just staying in avoiding strangers.

Maybe I still feel like they all have cooler stories, more interesting lives, have more sex, have been more places, heard better concerts, more clever ideas.
-\X!*Fuck it. Stop. You are you, now fucking live it. Do something on purpose. Like writing, practice writing... isn't that what you want to do?

[DELETED] Don't write that though, that is private.

Try something like...

Breath upon the glass clouds the crawling crystals. The needles try to creep into celestial patterns across the window; fate would draw a finger through the pristine cluster of ice in a smudge. Some child's crude drawing, or perhaps a vulgar word wiped through the frozen breath of a distracted youth. Two simple sheep; locked together in copulation. Funny, but only if you know the would be artist.

I am - with all do respect - a moron. But at least I don't lose sleep over it. I've already had the best times of my life but I believe one day I will out do my past and that is something to look forward too.

some lady came to a work christmas party at the hotel I work at today. she got so drunk they had to carry her fat ass out on a luggage cart. she puked all over the floor and I had to clean it. I hate my life sometimes.

On the bright side though, I think I am starting to communicate with people better... but that might just be me.

I need a hair cut... also I think I am decent photographer and really want a better camera.

OUT OF TIME from Андрей Скурьят DREE on Vimeo.

One Room - I Want You from HeavyRoc Music on Vimeo.

Sitting in the dark not being very productive on a day off besides some music practice and some long daydream/thinking time. Thought I'd interrupt the tangent my mind is going off on right now with some narrative. Plus I haven't written in a while and writing directly into my blogs post box is oddly comforting. Here we go.

the lake

"This one... this one for sure." I say as I set down my towel and begin removing my shoes. I am at the edge of a pristine lake. The bottom is invisible in the blackness of the waters depth. Around all its edges I see a warped world turned upside-down.

I can hear someone call from very far away. "Why that one?"

The question puzzles me for a moment and I am forced to think instead of act. Hesitation; my first mistake. But the inquiry is valid, what makes this lake special? Perhaps my journey holds the answer.

I've spent the better part of the past year living out of the water in search of a new home. My skin has dried and cracked, my gills have congealed and filled with smog. I don't think after enduring what I have until this point that I would waste my time again by settling in just any pond with clear waters... so what is different this time? I must have stopped here for a reason and the only way to find out the potential of this place is to jump in.

Uncertainty holds me back, standing naked on big rock by the lakes shore. With one foot I test the temperature. Cold shoots through my toes and I pull back. An hour passes and I am still standing there, my cloths beside me, staring longingly into the water. Part of me tells me that if I stop being a pussy and dive in; my body will eventually adjust and I will be at peace, I will know then what it was that brought me to this new home. But the hesitance will not leave my blood, I cannot forget the signs I read while hiking here.

"Beware Waters: Instant Hypothermia"

While I have grown accustomed to frozen creeks and glaciers, the blackness of the water beneath me appears beautifully foreboding. I stand and shiver wishing these waves would just sweep me from their shore and drown my indecision.

It all started unravelling; his quietness, the reservation of his hands, his fear of coming off rude, the year without sex, the year of "No woman, no cry." He had wanted to scream his lungs out every one of the last 365 days, but only now for the first time did he choose to shout. He lets out a whoop that rings in the ears of innocent bystanders. For a second he catches himself giving an apologetic fuck, but the alcohol thins his blood and that feeling passes. He is now "Kit," master of the universe and possessor of the ring of fate. His eyes roll back as he closes his lids and what ever was left of his former self is devoured by the songs of his childhood. He dances viciously, as if the whole world were finally his.

tick... tick...

I really need to get out and do something, meet people. I need people I can talk to throughout the week, share ideas with and stuff. I'm so lost in my head that when I finally do try and break the shell, my guts spill out in an ambiguous heap that no one can understand.
I think I'm getting worse at reading signs (if that's even possible.) I'm seeing "stop" everywhere I go but I can't tell if the sign's for me or for some other wayward traveler. Is it helpful to wear your self so openly? or does it create confusion? I wish I could for once get into a straight up conversation with out feeling awkward and backing out. I have these ideas man, I don't even understand sometimes. I know you probably just think I'm high, and you're probably right on occasion. But I spend far more time thinking sober than the times after smoking. I smoke to stop stressing, not to figure shit out. It's nice how everything works out though, proper like it fits together right after I get lit. But those connections I make are just observations, I'd rather walk a mile then talk for pity masturbation. Nothing beneficial comes from hating your past, or your self. Own that shit, we all have rough times kid. It makes you stronger and more resilient. That's what's good about pain, cause the longer time goes the higher the stake in our lives towers. Like a teetering obelisk. It's the stones at our base that hold us up and the troubles we face now will be our saving grace when we finally are old. Don't count on dying young, you're probably going to have a long and beautiful life. What you can't get done now will get done in time. because what else do we really have besides our life force and the time it's good for.

So there it is, motivation for myself because I'm not talking to anybody else.

Bzzzz.... Bzzzzz.... A false anxiety is piled on briefly before it is swept out to sea; along with all grief and hardship built up on his shores. The tide of joy from a single word then erases all doubts from the shallows of his mind. Night.

I've given myself too many choices that I want equally, and none can wait. I've gone as far as I can without making a final decision. What ever I do now will be taking a chance. Can I count on the people I care about to be receptive to my decisions? This is the major question I have yet to answer. It's scary to think that the only way I'll find out is if I try and choose a direction. Do I go right, left or forward? Do I follow my gut, my ambition or my heart; when all three pull different ways? I'm stuck in a triangular vice and I'm being drawn in thirds from the inside out. Slowly I've been ripping, constantly focused on trying to heal over all that gets torn from my indecisive behaviour. I'm realizing that I can't have everything, at least not yet. But what part of my future is strong enough to be abandoned? What do I want and who is the "I" that is always wanting?
Do I want to stay for my family? Or is it just because this is where I feel safe, even when I'm unhappy?
Do I want to take my art around the world? Or is that nagging voice in my head right and I really don't have what it takes?
Do I take the biggest risk of all? Or am I just looking for a way out of here?

you can relax and I will have a time
you can relax, you know we've still got time.

making breakfast from scratch, my own recipe.

Sweet and Spicy Rancheros

In the salsa I used:
Red Pepper
Cherry Tomatoes
Onion
Blueberries
Sun balm
lemon juice

heat it up in a pan

crack some eggs on that shit

wait a bit

chuck on some fine sliced salami

wait a bit

throw on some avocado assiogeo dip

wait a bit

serve on toast or a pita if you got it.

Is there a chance at all that
everyone has got it wrong, and
getting what you want won't happen when you're
laid out waiting for your turn to come
except every chance that passes was a chance
for failure, something to teach
me to hold my tongue.

Getting inspired on photoshop. spending hours editing/drawing with a shitty mouse. I need a tablet.

Work is destroying me. I wish I was a morning person. Going to visit Hive studios next week to tour it and see if it's where I want to record. more updates on that later.