food
I can make it
good

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www.moreintelligentlife.com/blog/emily-bobrow/evolutionary-reason-give/


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Evolutionary predisposition is the analysis du jour when describing all of human behaviour. These days everything we do--fromappreciate music todonate to charity--evidently boils down to our desire to lure a mate and make many babies.

Now it seems a scientific study has proven an evolutionary reason for depression:

Dr [Randolph] Nesse’s hypothesis is that, as pain stops you doing damaging physical things, so low mood stops you doing damaging mental ones—in particular, pursuing unreachable goals. Pursuing such goals is a waste of energy and resources. Therefore, he argues, there is likely to be an evolved mechanism that identifies certain goals as unattainable and inhibits their pursuit—and he believes that low mood is at least part of that mechanism.

A study published this month in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests this clever idea might even be true.

Carsten Wrosch from Concordia University in Montreal and Gregory Miller of the University of British Columbia studied depression in [97] teenage girls... Their conclusion was that those who experienced mild depressive symptoms could, indeed, disengage more easily from unreachable goals. That supports Dr Nesse’s hypothesis. But the new study also found a remarkable corollary: those women who could disengage from the unattainable proved less likely to suffer more serious depression in the long run.

The conclusion to this study is that mild depression is in fact a healthy response to failure. The resulting decline in motivation then lets gloomy folks conserve energy and craft new goals. Disengaging early on saves people from feeling more severe depression down the road.

Adding injury to insult, Dr Wrosch published a paper in 2007 that found that guilelessly pursuing "unattainable" goals (ie, "following your dreams") is also bad for your health (something about concentrations of the inflammatory molecule C-reactive protein, naturally). 

It is often satisfying to learn of some sort of evolutionary reason for behaviour--particularly the otherwise odd or inscrutable kind. Philosophers and psychologists may chafe at such a tidy approach to analysing human activity, but it is usually reassuring to believe there is some sort of method to the madness.

This theory on depression, however, is uniquely depressing. How unfortunate to learn that it is in fact healthier to be unambitious, and that dogged ("boot-strap"?) persistence can lead to despair. This, evidently, is the reason why Americans suffer the highest depression rate in the world, Dr Nesse speculates. The problem is all those many goals.

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The cork popped up
spilled some red in my cup
just a little for the pain
a bit more for the luck.
I'm gunna need a few more of these
fuck it, I'll take four of these.
But before I start spitting,
please listen, don't ignore the steez.
Now call me rascal,
social disaster.
With a pocket full of smoke
I'm the greenery master.
Last year was nothing.
This year we're gunning.
Can't stop the ruckus
until I am coming.
But chicks don't fuck me,
touch me, I'm not very lucky,
the wine trick failed
now I feel like a country
music star.
*drops mic*

There's this feeling that runs warm as summer through my chest.
It makes it odd that I'd be shaking, frozen in my boots.
Is it strange that I feel colder when I'm close to you?
If it's okay lets take some time to let all this ice melt away,
if we can stay.
Maybe one day...
Pure speculation will mean nothing
if no one dares to test it out;
or draw conclusions for themselves.
I've made more mistakes than progress,
but I'm still here trying to break this down.
Fuck, I'm a mess and a screw up.
but when I suck and my neck gets chewed up,
I take the criticism as a warning
to change my course
the sea is storming.
My craft has not adapted well enough to sail,
I tried to stay in the harbour but the anchor failed
and now I'm drifting slowly out into the ocean.

Orientation incoming: please don't be ridiculous.

I've decided after reading through several days of posting that this has become somewhat of a diary and that is really not what I intended with this blog... as such I will henceforth only use this medium for the powers of good sharing only writing deemed fit for readers seeking entertainment, enlightenment or a quick "ah I see what you did there." I'll rant and vent to my friends in private like a normal person. I apologize to anyone who actually reads this shit. I promise to stop being lazy and actually think about things to write. So instead of skimming the top off of my thoughts and giving you the sleazy foam, I'll dig deeper and try to give you the rich creative crap that gives me a greater sense of accomplishment.

On a final side note to anyone who may stumble across this page, please feel free to judge me however you please. But know that much of the content is not anything I meant to share with people on a writer to reader basis. Its mostly ramblings about dumb stuff that I was struggling to understand at the time. Many conclusions have since expired or changed. Looking back through it for me is interesting because I get a sense of what parts of me have changed and what has stayed constant but that's only because I know the back story behind it all. I'm debating now taking this site down or making it private so only I can view it, however there is still the odd time I write something that I'd like to share with a friend... maybe a password? I don't know if that's a dick move to people who casually check this. I'll look into that tomorrow though. BAAAAA, blasted post has gotten away from me again and turned itself into another futile adolescentesque day journal.

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Sleep calls from inside my skull. "The dream is coming. Hurry, HURRY!" I crash my face against the the cotton pillow case. But my heart races and I know I won't catch this dream. I never do, instead I sit there in the night waiting. The empty avenue of my ceiling shows no sign of another escape, not now.

I settle in closing my eyes; preparing to wait peacefully for sleeps next call. But alas; the ever invasive consciousness notices that I am still in fact awake - despite my clever disguise - he makes his way to my shoulder and breathes in my ear. "I know you're faking."

"Just go away man, I already told you all that I know." He is well aware that I don't take kindly to his speculations, but since I can cause him no physical harm, he proceeds with his harassment.

"What? Why? How?"

I keep my eyes shut and hold my breathe hoping he'll think I'm dead.

"What? Why? How? Tell me and I'll put in a good word with the dream loaders for you."

There's no use pretending to be dead. He can always tell. He begins feeling around my brain for swells and suspicious activity. "Well what have we here? Seems you've been thinking about sex quite a bit, but that's nothing new. You're only human after all... I can help you - you know... If you'll let me." He smirks and pulls a bulbous gland of my cerebral cortex out of place and jiggles it around maniacally.

Images shoot through my head, the unruly self aware consciousness puppeteers memory into pornographic dances of light and shadow on the backs of my eyelids.

I continue trying to conceal the secret that I had discovered before missing my dream. But his prying hands tear a hole in my fleshy mind and a fog rolls out.

"Uh oh." He says, dropping the sagging piece of brain he was pulling on. "What's all this then? Confusion. Misunderstanding... Ah but it get's clearer."

"Back off man." I pull myself back into his realm. "These are my thoughts and I will decide what is to be done with them."

But he grins, peering deeper into the mist. "Oh yes of course, but you see I've already figured it out... You're a pussy! That's why you will never be desired." He cackles, his final words ring in my head. Before vanishing he jumps from my shoulder and stomps my stomach.

I stare up at the bare ridges along my ceiling. Far off but still somehow still in my head I hear ringing. It's him. He's letting me know that he's won again and that he'll be back. A dream rolls up to the station, the conductor looks familiar but cold. I reluctantly get on and fall asleep.

Murphy has found his favourite seat. Now instead of giving me a hug in the morning he climbs up onto my shoulders. Anyways, I just finished setting up my xbox live and I found out it comes with netflix so now I have so many movies and tv shows to stream. I am quite pleased. However I just realized that it is again friday night and I have yet to befriend anyone in this city that would go out and do something with me. Several friends have told me that for the first little while that they knew me; they had the impression that I hated them - when in reality I really liked them and was just bad at getting to know people. I somewhat suspect that I may be over compensating for this flaw and that I may be sending out a bit of a weird vibe as a result.

I just finished watching a french film called "emotifs anonymous" it was fantastic and I'd definitely recommend it. I'm wondering if there are real focus groups like the one in the film that deal with people with varying degrees of social anxiety. I think I might benefit from said group if it exists in my city.

Stop.

You are happy.

There are things you are doing right.

Just because you are alone right now does not mean you have lost the ability to relate.

Go.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

You can't change who you are and who you are is not half bad.

This is where you want to be.

This is what you want to do.

The people you seek exist;

you just haven't earned it yet.

The toll you'll pay will be high.

You'll have to struggle to not sell out and lose what you have left of the person deep inside.

Hold on.

Dear internet. Please send me: 1 sleeping partner (female/human preferred) can be big or small spoon. Timeframe open, sex optional but likely not the first night. No application required, just show up. Thank you

Stumbleupon is giving me relationship advice and cocktail recipes. Thank you internet; now I'm prepared for the day I break out of my shell.

was a kid from the country

believed what they told me

but then I grew up, got wise, tried to grow trees.

missed the green thumb;

not a big one, knew a couple farmers

in the hood that could grow some;

so I sold some to the heads at my college;

to make back some dollars;

to treat my old lady to nights out. I got her

shit from mall

but that bitch was raw

told me I'd changed and was breaking the law

see it didn't matter

how long that I had her

some punk pussy punked her pussy; now he has her

I guess that's what I get for not getting jealous

watch my girl get chummy with other fellas.

so the chick left but the weed stayed

and I got grade

word from my supplier

"this next shit is triple A"

applesauce, anusrag,

alfred wants another bag

to deal with bruce wayne

and his fucking vigilante gag.

then we broke bad;

(me and my man from trinidad)

traded hash and cash

for that sticky stash.

we hustled bushels of kush - overflowing,

but the shit we was rolling

got stolen by street thugs

who beat us to teach us

that slinging Jane like spider man

gets you the bum rush.

we didn't give up,

took us 8 months just to re-up.

so I switched up my game

to make bills over change

I only chopped my trees to friends with clean names.

soon I was rungs up the ladder,

selling pounds, getting fatter,

still had the best bud so what passed didn't matter.

then I ended my turn nearly mad as the hatter,

but with pockets of cash; seemed success was a slacker.

now I've moved to the west

so the heart in my chest can retire

settle down and get higher

with a bad bitch who gets it - the shit that I dealt with

has left me wanting a life less contested

Watching Murphy with webcam during one of his spaze out episodes. Wait for it...

Maybe if I take off my hat...

20 min later. WTF are you looking at?!

I had to leave my guitar, snowboard and sound system in Ontario. My dad still hasn't mailed any of it even though I told him to mail it when I left almost two weeks ago and again last week when I moved in. I'm getting serious musical withdrawal right now and the mountains are so close that my urge to snowboard is at an all time high and there is no affordable solution of satisfying it for the time being.

In other news I started feeling very purposeful yesterday after finding out I'd been accepted and will be starting school at the end of this month. My advisor said I should take this time to be a bit of a tourist as I won't have time for it once school starts. I am excited but a little intimidated by the shear load of work I'm expecting to do this year.

I feel fairly confident in myself and the direction my life's taking right now. I really need to start remembering this when ever I stress about other areas of my life I feel should be improving. Maybe it just isn't my time for some things.

New best friend.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. - Steve Jobs

I haven't tried writing again for a little bit so I'm just going to vent off a little poetry to satisfy whatever creature it is inside me that feels the need to criticize my blissful but cowardly laziness.

But first I must ask myself why I am even now questioning my intuition. I can't blame what has happened in the past because even if others actions back then are to blame for my current social/personal reservations, blaming does nothing to change my present situation for the better. Instead I will indulge the idea that some people simply don't require or want the same things I do, and it is up to me to be brave enough to stand up to row after row of these people as they strip me of all my defences. Until I can truly be open to love without regret with the one person who wants what I want.



I speared my fingers deep into the wound
through tears that tore my skin I peered
I grasped the mass inside and pulled
"This is my scar." I said, it pulsated.
"This is my scar." I said, "Take it, it's yours."

You were young and took it to be popular
to have someone to tell your friends about
but the scar felt better in my chest
and your hands felt better on someone else's neck

I speared my fingers deep into the wound
through tears that tore my skin I peered
I grasped the mass inside and pulled
"This is my scar." I said, it pulsated.
"This is my scar." I said, "Take it, it's yours."

You were immature and took it for a change of pace
you ripped into the cut without restraint
but you mixed blood with blood
and tore friends apart
so I took the scar
away from you

I speared my fingers deep into the wound
through tears that tore my skin I peered
I grasped the mass inside and pulled
"This is my scar." I said, it pulsated.
"This is my scar." I said, "Take it, it's yours."

You were kind and took it for yourself
but realized that it wasn't yours to take
so after we indulged our veins
you put it back without spilling a drop of blood.

I speared my fingers deep into the wound
through tears that tore my skin I peered
I grasped the mass inside and pulled
"This is my scar." I said, it pulsated.
"This is my scar." I said, "Take it, it's yours."

You were right the first time you took the scar,
but insisted on giving it back.
When you took it again
the world changed around me.

your hand in my chest
you had to be close
you feared when I left
that the scar had gone.

only that's not what happened is it?
he just made you feel
different
inside his chest.
I get it.

I speared my fingers deep into the wound
through tears that tore my skin I peered
I grasped the mass inside and pulled
"This is my scar." I said, it pulsated.
"This is my scar." I said, "Take it, it's yours."

You were brave and took it to be genuine
But concealed a truth from me;
taught me to appreciate honesty
and to have no fear

I speared my fingers deep into the wound
through tears that tore my skin I peered
I grasped the mass inside and pulled
"This is my scar." I said, it pulsated.
"This is my scar." I said, "Take it, it's yours."

You took it in your boredom
and your boredom did not change
you left it outside on the deck
in the sun it melted
and then it felt no pain

I speared my fingers deep into the wound
through tears that tore my skin I peered
I grasped the mass inside and pulled
"This is my scar." I said, it pulsated.
"This is my scar." I said, "Take it, it's yours."

You refused to take it
(a bruised open sore)
you wished me luck
and said goodbye
taught me friends can love;
but shouldn't fake it

I speared my fingers deep into the wound
through tears that tore my skin I peered
I grasped the mass inside and pulled
"This is my scar." I said, it pulsated.
"This is my scar." I said, "Take it, it's yours."

I feel beat and wasted now
I feel beat and wasted now
I could tell you all I've learned
but I feel beat and wasted now

pre and post haircut

Murphy, he's a really good hugger.

In BC, I'll post pictures of the trip when I get a chance. Lovin' the new digs, gunna explore a bit today.